What is your identity? - and can you change it?
“Where are you from?”
For many people this is a pretty simple and straightforward question, a fundamental part of their identity. When we think about ourselves and our identity, we often default to core characteristics of our upbringing and life circumstances: where we were born, the type of childhood we had (working class or middle class etc) and what we do for a living.
For some people their identity is clear and defined, something they’ve accepted as fact, but what if I told you that didn’t have to be the case? I believe our identity is something that is, to a large degree, flexible and something we can choose.
Many people book a boudoir photoshoot as a way to see themselves differently, to rediscover their identity and to view themselves in a whole new light. A boudoir shoot can be a big step on the journey to framing how you see yourself in life.
The reason I opened with the question “where are you from” is because this a part of my identity that isn’t easy to answer and I’m completely fine with that situation. It’s not something I struggle with or wish I had a better grasp of, even if it does make for a long winded answer to a very simple question at times!
I was born in Wales and lived there for the first eighteen months of my life. My mother was English and my father was Welsh, but I was raised in England and have lived here for most of my life. So am I English or am I Welsh? I don’t fit neatly into either box.
I spent my early childhood in Bedfordshire but moved to Cornwall and lived in the South West for my teenage years and young adult life. In my early twenties I moved to the Midlands and I’ve been here for almost fifteen years now, but if I said I was from Derbyshire, people here would laugh at me (If you’ve heard me speak, you’ll understand why!).
At this point in my life I’ve lived in three different parts of the country for approximately equal amounts of time. I’m not really from Wales, or Bedfordshire, or Cornwall, or the Midlands. All of that is just to say that certain elements of your identity are flexible and no-one else can define them for you. I’m quite happy not having a clear answer - being a bit of a nomad is part of my identity in its own way.
The same thing goes when it comes to class. Take the latest celebrity who grew up in a council estate but now owns a selection of Porches, eats caviar from his butler’s belly button, and lives in a gated mansion surrounded by more security than the King. Is he working class or upper class?
If I asked you to describe yourself in a sentence or two - in fact I am asking you to do that. Minimise this page for a couple of minutes and on a piece of paper, or the notes app on your phone, write a line or two about who you are, then come back and keep reading…
Now, I might be wrong but I would imagine your sentence might read something along these lines: “My name is Tracey, I’m a divorced 43 year old nurse from Solihull, mother to 2 children and a dog called Frank”.
There’s nothing innately wrong with that sentence. It’s probably a statement of fact, but is that how you wish to define yourself? If I were Tracey’s friend I would be telling her that she is more than the place she was born and the job she does.
What if we started to redefine our own lives; our identity so to speak? The way you think about yourself has been proven to have a significant impact on both mental health and confidence. It’s also an important factor in motivation.
I know the example above is kind of vague and we’re using an imaginary person here, but let's try asking Tracey to frame herself in a whole new light. Who does she want to be? What does she love? What are her aspirations and ambitions? Couldn’t those things represent her true personality better than the sentence above? How about…
“My name’s Tracey. I’m an aspiring musician and singer and am working towards my first live performance in the next twelve months. I’m currently single and enjoying the time to work on my music and spend with my two wonderful children, but am open to a new relationship if the right man/woman comes along. I support myself through my nursing career which I’m very proud of, but would love to go part-time once I start performing. Also, my dog is my best friend!”
Isn’t that a powerful transformation? Often when people are asked to describe themselves they don’t talk about their passions, their interests, or their ambitions and that’s a shame. Aren’t the things we love to do and that we care about what make us unique? They’re the cornerstones of our true identity.
Of course as we age, grow and life throws us curveballs these things will change. The way we view ourselves will develop and progress over time but this is a great activity to come back to every few years. The way we frame ourselves in our own minds is ultimately more important than how others view us. Re-framing ourselves in a positive and interesting light can do wonders for our self-esteem and our overall happiness and confidence.
I’ve seen this happen time and time again as a boudoir photographer. So many of our clients come to us with a negative self-perception, often brought about by things other people have said to them in the past, but also exacerbated by negative framing of themselves e.g. “I’m too fat”, “I’m too skinny”, “I’m not sexy” etc.
These people book their boudoir photoshoots because they’ve decided it’s time to change that, to see themselves differently and to reframe their identity and as a way to improve confidence. It’s a way of taking control of their own body confidence and re-framing their sexual identity in that aspect of their lives. It’s a powerful thing, and even if you’re not ready to book your boudoir photoshoot just yet, I encourage you to have a go at the exercise above.
It’s a powerful thing and could be one of the first steps to changing how you feel about yourself. This is a personal challenge, but I’d love to hear your answers if you felt comfortable sharing them by email or in our Facebook group The Vixens of Foxlow.
