What is Confidence? Why Does Boudoir Help?

Confidence is such a big topic and something that we regularly talk about at the studio, in our social media posts, on this blog and in our videos too. It’s a huge part of what we do at Foxlow Photography - helping our clients to discover or build their confidence is what drives us every single day. 

but what is confidence? i did a little research.

Cambridge Dictionary: Confidence is the quality of being certain of your abilities or of having trust in people, plans or the future.

Wikipedia: Confidence is a state of being clear-headed either that a hypothesis or prediction is correct or that a chosen course of action is the best or most effective.

Merriam-Webster Dictionary: Confidence is a feeling or consciousness of one’s powers or of reliance on one’s circumstances.

As you can see, even the dictionaries don’t appear to offer a definitive solution to what confidence really means!

Then when we apply it to ourselves in the form of “self confidence” the waters get even murkier. Looking at the etymology, confidence comes from a Latin word “fidere” which means “to trust”.

therefore self confidence could be described as having trust in one’s self.

One thing is for certain - confidence comes in many different forms and presents itself in different ways depending on the situation. How to be more confident is a huge question and one that I’m infinitely fascinated by. 

Now I don’t claim to be an expert when it comes to the world of confidence, but I am an inquisitive person and a big fan of self-help/inspirational/personal development/whatever-you-want-to-call-them books. I have spent countless hours trying to understand what confidence is and how we can improve our own, and why what we do at the studio has such a big impact on so many of our clients. 

Since we opened the doors of Foxlow Photography in 2019, we have worked with hundreds of women who have booked photoshoots with us because they want to improve their self image, confidence, self esteem, and to do something that is just for them. Over those years we’ve spoken with so many of these amazing women about the nature of confidence and how it has affected them on a personal level and in so many ways.

We’ve also had many messages from people after their shoots telling us how much of an impact their boudoir session has had on their self belief. Some of these women have found the courage to start new relationships, end negative ones, leave a job that was making them unhappy, start new businesses, and various other major life decisions that they hadn’t felt ready to make until they discovered their confidence.  

but what’s the secret? how do we discover our own confidence?

The thing that stands out to me from the definitions listed above, tying them all together, is the idea of belief. Belief that things will work out, belief that you can achieve your goals, belief that you are enough. So why do the women who find their courage and take the leap of faith to book a boudoir experience see such a big improvement in their confidence after their photoshoots? 

confidence comes in many different forms and they are not all created equal.

I’m a fairly confident person, I’m extremely confident when it comes to my profession and my abilities within a work environment, I’m quite confident having a conversation with friends or casual chit-chat with a neighbour. However, plonk me in the middle of a large social gathering or a party and you’ll find me hiding in the corner, clutching my drink, maybe chatting to the one and only person I know in the room.

It’s not that I don’t enjoy meeting new people or making new friends, it’s just that I am not confident in that situation. Suddenly I don’t know what to say to anyone and seemingly lose all ability to act like a normal human being. If you’ve met me on a one-to-one basis this would probably surprise you - but it’s true. 

this is something i’ve started to work on over the last couple of years.

Recently I was “tricked” into attending a “meet-up” for expats in Morocco whilst visiting family. I was made to wear a name badge so that people could introduce themselves to me, and therefore there was a very high risk that I was going to be engaging in conversations with strangers! I could feel my heart rate rising as we arrived and made immediately for the quietest corner available.

After loitering in this corner for ten minutes chatting to my wife (who is a social butterfly by the way) I realised that I had to push myself out of my comfort zone if I want to improve my confidence in this area. I took a deep breath and stepped out of the shadows. I set myself a goal of initiating conversation with at least one person I didn’t already know, and maintaining it for a period of time, rather than saying something weird, avoiding eye-contact and retreating quickly to my corner and never speaking to anyone ever again.

do you know what happened? it was fine.

I asked a stranger a question about his drink, we had a conversation and laughed about the awkwardness of these kind of events. I did eventually retreat back to my corner because he was incredibly drunk and was only there because he was meant to be meeting a girl who had stood him up - but that’s beside the point! I felt better about myself for trying and I know that the next time I’m in that situation I can do the same again and it will be completely fine.

For many of our clients a big thing that has held them back and caused a lack of self belief is their body image. Maybe they’ve put on some weight, lost some weight, had a child, or still remember the nasty comment their friend’s brother made about their appearance when they were thirteen. When faced with adversity with the way we feel about ourselves, we retreat and choose the path of least resistance e.g. hiding in the shadows at a party! We don’t put ourselves out there for fear of being rejected.

we can catastrophize and start imagining worst case scenarios that are almost certainly not going to happen.

We avoid taking risks, but it is only through taking risks that we can push past these fears and insecurities. We must learn to trust in ourselves and “believe in our powers”, this is how we prove those voices inside our heads wrong. 99.9% of the time the worst case scenario will not occur, and the 0.1% of the time just isn’t worth worrying about. 

Doing things that scare us and stepping out of our comfort zones is one of the best things we can do for our confidence. All the things we worry so much about are usually just symptoms of irrational self-doubt. 

Some of the biggest risks I have ever taken in my life have ended up being some of the best decisions I ever made: moving abroad for work, trying my luck with a gorgeous girl who lived hundreds of miles away (who became my wife), starting Foxlow Photography. All of these things were pretty significant life decisions, and in most of these examples I was wracked with self-doubt. I wasn’t sure I was making the right decisions but I knew I had to try. I would be disappointed in myself if I didn’t, and the rewards far outweighed the risk of having to come home and look for a new job, or being rejected, or failing in business. 

we say that you don’t need confidence to book a photoshoot with us - but you do need to be brave.

That’s true of so many things in life. When you begin taking calculated risks and seeing positive outcomes, you’re more prepared to take them again in the future. These moments of bravery compound over time and before you know it you’ve changed your life for the better!

Those people who put their nerves, their anxiety, and their lack of self belief aside for the amount of time it takes to pick up the phone and send us a message took a risk. We hear all the time “What if I can’t do the poses?” “What if I look stupid?” “What if I’m the one person it doesn’t work for and I hate all of my photos?”. We know for sure that none of these things are going to happen, they never do, but all we can do is encourage you to take that risk.

if you make that leap of faith, it could be the start of seeing yourself completely differently.

Maybe you’ll finally believe what your friends or partner have being telling you all this time, maybe you’ll see a whole series of beautiful photographs of yourself and finally believe that you are beautiful/sexy/desirable/whatever adjective you want to believe yourself to be. Imagine if that happened? I’m pretty sure the next time you wanted to ask someone out on a date, or your husband asked you to leave the light on, you’d feel a lot more confident doing so!

In essence, I believe that the reason a boudoir photoshoot helps so many of our clients with their confidence is that it finally allows them to see themselves differently. It grants an element of self belief and silences those negative thoughts that so often fill our minds and make us doubt ourselves. Not only do they see themselves through new eyes but they also took a risk, they did something that scared them and the outcome was wonderful. It grants the belief that doing something outside of their comfort zone will have a positive effect on their lives. 

“confidence isn’t optimism or pessimism, and it’s not a character attribute. it’s the expectation of a positive outcome.” - rosabeth moss kanter

Confidence is not a destination, it’s a journey. We all suffer with a lack of it in some areas of our lives. Every actor feels the pre-show jitters before they step on stage, but they do it anyway. Improving your confidence doesn’t mean you’ll always feel calm and self assured in any situation, but hopefully it means you’ll be able to take action despite the self doubt.

Inaction is the worst solution to anxiety. Nothing can change if we don’t do things differently. Take calculated risks, push yourself to try new things, have trust in yourself, chat to that stranger - hopefully he won’t be a drunk man whose date never turned up and it will all work out fine.