Deborah’s Boudoir Diary
Deborah had been considering a boudoir photoshoot for 10 years before she booked her appointment with us. In that decade she had been through so many amazing and devastating things. Finally she found the courage to overcome her fear and rediscovered the amazing, strong and beautiful woman she is!
A Very Difficult Few Years
My confidence was at a bit of an all time low, with some anxiety and PTSD thrown into the mix. In the last few years I had moved back to the UK, which felt very strange after 10 years overseas, but I was delighted to be with my new man. I soon fell pregnant and life couldn’t be sweeter, until my 12 week scan! We were told our baby had a very serious condition and there was an 80% chance it would not survive.
My whole pregnancy was spent trying not to worry, putting a brave smile on my face and endless hospital appointments. Our son defied the odds and was born in a theatre full of medics waiting to resuscitate him and whisk him to Intensive Care. I didn’t get to even see him until he was 13 hours old. He and I then lived in QMC Hospital for 4 months, me sitting at his side holding his hand when I could and watching him fight for his life on a ventilator. Watching your newborn on a life support machine is tough. I didn’t get to pick him up until he was 2 months old and even then he was attached to lots of wires and tubes. It was tough, but he is an amazing warrior boy and now a vivacious toddler, despite his constant visits to hospital and surgeries.
Me Before The Shoot
It’s all been a bit traumatic and I have lost a lot of confidence, hence my anxiety and PTSD. I often feel I am just “mummy” (that is what I am called in hospital by all his Consultants despite seeing them constantly for 2 years, I have no name) and I often desperately want to find the old me. I think it is fair to say I have neglected myself a little since he was born. My body isn’t quite the same, it’s all a bit saggy and definitely far lumpier! Motherhood has meant lots of coffee and cake and I definitely don’t feel “photo ready”.
I’ve been wanting to do a boudoir shoot for about 10 years, but there’s always been that nagging doubt as to whether I could look nice and so I always put it off. I will just wait until I have lost a bit of weight… I will just wait until I have toned up… I will just wait until I have a suntan…. But now I have realised actually these things never happen! I am just getting older, lumpier, saggier and paler!
Decision Day
It was just another busy day trying to work with a screaming toddler in tow and I thought I’d take a quick break to have a scroll through Facebook and up pops The Vixens of Foxlow – it was fate! They were looking for volunteers to keep a diary through their boudoir experience and had 3 slots available… I don’t know how, but my fingers just started typing “yes I can do next Thursday”. Oh boy, I’d actually gone and done it, it’s ok I might not be chosen….
Wow - Danielle confirmed it! After years of contemplating, then months of plucking up the courage, I’d actually done it. I’d booked a boudoir photoshoot! I’m still not 100% sure where the bravery came from, but I think it was seeing so many of Jon’s amazing photos of these fabulous Vixens added together with the support and understanding that Danielle oozes in her posts.
Preparation
I didn’t tell anyone about the shoot, not even my partner. I was so excited and itching to tell someone, but equally I didn’t feel like I had the confidence to share the news. I struggle to reveal myself in a bikini on the beach, let alone share the fact I was going to do a boudoir shoot, but I was so excited. I found myself constantly looking at Jon’s photos and reading and re-reading Danielle’s Boudoir Guide and then panicking at what I have let myself in for.
A phone call with Danielle today really helped calm my nerves, but what on earth was I going to wear? Chris had bought me a beautiful lingerie set for Christmas (not this year but the previous year!) and the anxious body-shy person I am, sadly it was still in the box. Never worn, never even tried on!
I felt so guilty, especially as the box had faded in the sun. I tried it on and knew I had to wear it for the shoot – I wanted to do this shoot for him too, to thank him for the support he’s given me. Plus, as he has just proposed, it might prepare me for cameras ahead of our wedding! Online shopping was exciting too - the delivery of boxes and hiding them, trying things on and wondering if they were ok. Just trying on new lingerie was something I’ve not done for a long time and it started to help me feel better about myself, regaining some of the old me.
Boudoir Day
The day had come and the nerves were kicking in! I had arranged for Chris’s mum to babysit our little boy and told her I was going for a “wellbeing session” to help with my mental health - a boudoir shoot has possibly not been described like that before, but it was oh so true! When the house was empty I had to chase around like a mad woman retrieving all the hidden outfits for my shoot including some of my favourite things of Chris’ that I wanted to include - some of his uniform, a special shirt, his dress shirt and importantly one of his hats!
As I drove over to the studio I could feel (and thought I could hear) my heart beating. I was a nervous wreck, but as soon as I arrived at the studio and met Danielle’s beaming smile I felt more at ease instantly. She handed me over to Louise for my makeover – and it was a complete makeover as I was so nervous I couldn’t tell her what I wanted! I trusted her judgement as to what would work for me and enjoyed a good natter. A glass of Prosecco certainly helped me start to relax and I felt so much better when I went through to the studio.
Shortly before leaving the house
Arriving home after my shoot
Danielle was amazing – we went through my outfits and various shoes and came up with a plan as to what would work well together. I was genuinely surprised that I didn’t feel too awkward either, Jon and Danielle are just so friendly and good fun. The experience was so much more than I had expected.
Danielle is the master, or rather mistress, of poses and shows you exactly what to do – things I would have never dreamed of! Before I knew it we had gone through my outfits, done lots of shots and it was time to go home. I had a spring in my step as I left and then had the benefit of wonderful comments when I got home, of how fab I looked – little did they know!
Viewing Day
Another anxious wait. Will my photos be ok? Will I look ok? Did Jon struggle to find a nice one to show me? Before long I was on another nerve-wracking drive with my heart pounding!
Unfortunately this all happened just as the Covid-19 pandemic was taking hold, so no babysitter and I had to take a toddler to the viewing. Not ideal and it made me even more nervous than I already was thinking “please don’t touch anything… please don’t be naughty… please just sit quietly… please don’t look…”
Jon was beaming, as always, so I had a lovely warm welcome back to the studio and there on the screen was someone who looked a lot like me! My slideshow started and I was speechless, even more so when my little boy declared happily “mummy” at the screen. So I really do look like that? Wow!
I think this was, with hindsight, the hardest part of the process. How do you decide which shots to have? They were all so amazing, where to start. With Jon’s help and the process of elimination we chose “the shots” and I left so happy. I was once again itching to share the news but determined to stay quiet. I was so looking forward to collecting my book, my wall art and my print – how would I wait a few weeks?
Collection Day
Little did I know that only a few days after my viewing we would head into Lockdown and the wait to see my end result would be more than a few weeks.
As soon as it was possible, Jon met me with my amazing photographs! The book is so gorgeous and feels so special (I still can’t quite believe it’s me) and the wall art is incredible. It looks like something you would buy from a gallery – but it is me! I couldn’t stop looking at it, not in a vain way, in an amazed way.
I had told Chris I was popping out to collect something I had ordered as a belated Christmas present for him. When I gave him the box containing the wall art he looked very confused. He looked at the photo and declared it was beautiful but he didn’t understand. His face was a picture he couldn’t get over that I would have done that and for him. He loves the photograph so much. It hangs with pride in our bedroom and serves as a daily reminder to me that I am a woman, a beautiful feminine woman, not just a shell of my former self and not just “mummy” I am me!
Thank you!
Thank you to Danielle for giving me the confidence, to Jon for his amazing shots and making me feel so relaxed during the shoot, and Louise for making me look fab. Such an amazing experience all round! Whenever I am feeling fragile about myself and feeling like a lump, all I need to do is reach for my photo album and remember just who I really am.
It really has boosted my confidence. Anyone still contemplating - do it! Take the leap and book!
